EPISODE 109 - ASK THE KARDASIMS

(here's the story in a dropdown menu so the wall of text can be shrunk if needed)

one night, i had a very strange nightmare about glow glow glow. in the nightmare, i was in my bed, and around my bed were multiple people in black robes, all staring at me. it was night and the lights were off, so i had trouble seeing, but it looked like a glow glow glow conditioner that one of the people were holding. they passed the container down until the last one placed it on my nightstand, by my bed. i was already bewildered, and it got worse. their jaws began to unhinge as their gaze was still fixated on me, and black ooze started pouring out of their mouths and filling up the room.

i woke up after that, and it was morning. i was relieved, as it felt so real because of how it took place at my bed at night. i figured that it was a strange concoction my brain cooked up from listening to the kardasim podcast a lot, so i brushed it off at first until i looked to my left. that conditioner was there on my nightstand.

horrified, i carefully disposed of it by following the online guide with 348 steps, and asked my mom if she was the one who got it. she said no and didn't know who did, and asked me to go to a convenience store with her. i said yes to distract myself from the event and i picked up a can of booty booty pop juice when i was there. the can looked pretty normal, until i turned it around and saw an eye drawn onto it with marker. i heard a low fizzing noise from the can, so i put it back on the shelf, to which it literally MELTED. it melted the part of the shelf it was on, and into the floor. i looked to my side, and at the other end of the aisle, one of the people in my nightmare was there, staring at me and in that same robe.

i was scared and turned around, but more of them suddenly popped up and cut me off from exiting. they held out the same conditioner that was on my night stand, urging me to put it on my face and telling me that my skin would be extremely clear. i was in a section that was somewhat more obscure compared to the rest of the store, so nobody was there to help. i stood there holding the conditioner in my hand, horrified, and saw that their mouths were opening and were becoming unnaturally wide like in the nightmare. knowing i couldn't do anything else, i threw it at one of the cultists. it exploded in his face, and he screamed in pain.

they were taken by surprise, so i used the opportunity to run away, and thankfully, others heard the commotion and were kind to help stop them. police were called, and they were promptly arrested. turns out that the can i picked up was tampered with, and that hydrochloric acid, as well as other nuclear chemicals were placed inside it.

everything was scary but it seemed like it was over.. until at night, i heard my cat hissing at something. she was looking outside the backyard window which made me think it was another stray cat. however, in the darkness i could make out a face, meaning someone was there. they noticed that i saw them, and they unhinged their jaw, letting out a horrifying screech that was not at all human, before diving straight for the window and breaking inside. i fell to the ground with the person on me, and picked up a glass shard to stab the person right as they were about to finish me, which did the job. i noticed that the blood was black, like the black ooze from my nightmare. horrified, i told my parents that the glow glow glow cultists are still out there, and they called the police. another investigation is underway, and i'm up in my bedroom typing this shortly after i was questioned. by the way, my cat is okay and ran to safety just as the person crashed through the window.

to kim, do you know about these horrifying glow glow glow cultists, and could you please find a way to persuade them not to keep doing this? i don't know if this is some sick marketing technique of yours but i am scared for my life right now.